"He said 'This is cute'. That's all.", I complained to Tyler about the Brandon incident.
"Don't you think if he liked me he would've said more?"
"Well, Amy... these things take time. You have to be patient.", Tyler sighed.
He was trying to calm me down.
Tyler always did.
Him and I had gotten really close this past year.
Tyler was a total dork and I loved it.
He was also super sweet.
Tyler was always complimenting me, though.
I didn't like it.
I don't know why, but being complimented always bothered me a little bit.
I think it's because I don't feel like I need to hear that I'm pretty or smart.
I have opinions about myself that aren't going to be changed by anyone's compliments, or insults for that matter.
You could tell me that I'm beautiful over and over again, but if I don't feel beautiful I'm not going to care and your opinion won't sway me.
On the contrary, you could tell me that I'm stupid, ugly, and fat, but if I don't believe that I am I'm only going to ignore your comments.
I didn't have practice so I got home early Friday.
My phone vibrated loudly.
It was a text from Tyler.
"Hey, can you talk?"
I replied a while later and told him that I wasn't busy.
We had a general "what's up/what are you doing?" conversation until he said it.
I told him that something was wrong with me... that I probably had some phsycological problem.
I was only joking though.
"No. You're perfectly fine." he replied.
"Amy and the word 'perfect' don't belong in the same sentence", I replied laughing out loud.
"No, you really are great." Tyler said.
"No, I'm not. Don't say that Tyler.", I said.
I knew where this conversation was going.
"But it's the truth," he replied, "You're great, nice, and funny too."
I didn't think so.
I was far from nice.
I was a monster for what I was doing to him.
You see, Tyler liked me. I could tell.
I wasn't cocky or anything... but sometimes you just know.
The way he was always complimenting and texting me non-stop was a bit of a hint.
I didn't like him though... not in the same way he liked me.
I should tell you more about Tyler.
Tyler was adorable.
He was half Asain and half Caucasian.
A thin boy, rather "indie-looking" actually.
He always had his ipod close by.
He was too nice and for that he was bound to get hurt someday.
I couldn't bare to see that... to see Tyler hurt, because he didn't deserve to get hurt ever.
Now, not only was I about to see him get hurt, I was going to cause that hurt.
I was not attracted to Tyler.
As much as I actually WANTED to be.
I really did want to feel the same that Tyler felt about me.
I tried to be attracted to him, and I still wish somewhat wish that I was attracted to him.
Because then this would be easy.
If I liked Tyler we could get together and be happy.
I just couldn't though.
As much as I tried to convince myself to like Tyler I was still incredibly commited to my head-over-heels crush on Brandon.
"Is it wrong for me to think that?", asked Tyler.
"How do you see me?", I replied without thinking.
"Do you really want to know?", he asked.
"Yes."
"Okay. Well, Amy, I think you're pretty and funny and smart. You're a great person to talk to and spend time with." He confessed.
"You deserve better. You deserve someone who's able to like you too. You know that, right?", I responded.
"I'll decide what I deserve," he said stubbornly.
I didn't reply and he got anxious.
"Did you get my last message? We could just be friends, Amy." he said.
"I'd like that very much, Tyler.", I replied.
I was dying inside. He was holding back. He didn't really want to be just friends, but he settled for it.
A rush of guilt came over me as he replied, "Me too. (:"
It was easy to smile through a text message.
I pretend to smile and laugh through texts all the time.
But what if he was dying inside?
What if he was hurt and I was the cause.
Stupid me. Why couldn't I just settle for Tyler, just as he had settled for "just friends".
Nothing was right.
Tyler liked me.
I liked Brandon.
I wouldn't be surprised if Brandon had feelings for a girl who liked Tyler.
This was just my luck.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Sunday, January 18, 2009
I like him.
My heart felt like it was going to explode.
It felt like I had been staring at him, waiting for a response, for hours..
It couldn't have been any longer than thirty seconds.
I mean, how long could it take a person to read something?
The note only had a few words on it:
"Hey, I like you. ....I just thought you should know. <3,>
It was quiet. He didn't look up at me.
And finally the silence was absolutely unbareable.
"Say something," I said.
"This is cute," he said as he finally looked up.
His eyes barely met mine.
'This is cute?,' I thought to myself. What the hell did that mean?
The bell rang loudly.
And although the bell rang at the same time everyday, it still managed to scare me every single time.
I looked at him hoping that something else would come out of his oh-so-beautiful lips.
"Okay, Bye Amy. Have a good weekend!"
"Yeah... you too. Don't Study too hard," I replied half-heartedly.
Finals were next week. Gross.
I got up and walked away without looking back.
Why couldn't he have swept me off me feet with some romantic gesture?
Or at least said something other than "This is cute."
Did he realize how much courage I had to work up to even give him that note?!
He seemed like he didn't know what to say.
Brandon was a nice guy.
He had been sitting next to me in my Spanish for months now.. & I had fallen head over heals for him.
Let me tell you a little bit about Brandon.
First off, he was smart. He was one of those kids that I probably would've hated back in elementry school, you know the ones who Aced every test.
Don't get me wrong, I was smart too. Actually, I was a lot smarter than everyone thought I was.
I didn't put as much effort into school as Brandon did, though.
I don't know if his parents pressured him to get straight A's or if he truely wanted to try so hard all the time.
School was defenitely important to him though, and everyone knew that.
Brandon was in the school band.
Yes, I fell for a band geek.
But, he was more than that.
He was funny, and probably one of the nicest guys you'll ever meet.
He was always apologizing for little things that didn't need "I'm sorry's".
He was cute too.
I used to play this game in class...it was kind of silly and childish, actually... but I didn't care.
I used to stare at his eyes until he was forced to stare at mine too.
He was much better at the game than I was.
You see, once his gaze met mine I would start the timer in my head and see how long I could stare into his eyes without looking away.
Nine seconds was my record.
The bright look in his eyes along with his beautiful smile never failed to make my cheeks blush and my gaze fall to the floor.
'How does he do that?' I used to wonder to myself.
It was amazing. He seemed to be able to stare at my eyes and smile forever.
Nothing phased him.
Walking out the door, I resisted the urge to let my head fall back and throw my hands up in the air in complete failure. Instead, I calmed myself down, going over all of the possibile meanings of the word cute in my head.
It felt like I had been staring at him, waiting for a response, for hours..
It couldn't have been any longer than thirty seconds.
I mean, how long could it take a person to read something?
The note only had a few words on it:
"Hey, I like you. ....I just thought you should know. <3,>
It was quiet. He didn't look up at me.
And finally the silence was absolutely unbareable.
"Say something," I said.
"This is cute," he said as he finally looked up.
His eyes barely met mine.
'This is cute?,' I thought to myself. What the hell did that mean?
The bell rang loudly.
And although the bell rang at the same time everyday, it still managed to scare me every single time.
I looked at him hoping that something else would come out of his oh-so-beautiful lips.
"Okay, Bye Amy. Have a good weekend!"
"Yeah... you too. Don't Study too hard," I replied half-heartedly.
Finals were next week. Gross.
I got up and walked away without looking back.
Why couldn't he have swept me off me feet with some romantic gesture?
Or at least said something other than "This is cute."
Did he realize how much courage I had to work up to even give him that note?!
He seemed like he didn't know what to say.
Brandon was a nice guy.
He had been sitting next to me in my Spanish for months now.. & I had fallen head over heals for him.
Let me tell you a little bit about Brandon.
First off, he was smart. He was one of those kids that I probably would've hated back in elementry school, you know the ones who Aced every test.
Don't get me wrong, I was smart too. Actually, I was a lot smarter than everyone thought I was.
I didn't put as much effort into school as Brandon did, though.
I don't know if his parents pressured him to get straight A's or if he truely wanted to try so hard all the time.
School was defenitely important to him though, and everyone knew that.
Brandon was in the school band.
Yes, I fell for a band geek.
But, he was more than that.
He was funny, and probably one of the nicest guys you'll ever meet.
He was always apologizing for little things that didn't need "I'm sorry's".
He was cute too.
I used to play this game in class...it was kind of silly and childish, actually... but I didn't care.
I used to stare at his eyes until he was forced to stare at mine too.
He was much better at the game than I was.
You see, once his gaze met mine I would start the timer in my head and see how long I could stare into his eyes without looking away.
Nine seconds was my record.
The bright look in his eyes along with his beautiful smile never failed to make my cheeks blush and my gaze fall to the floor.
'How does he do that?' I used to wonder to myself.
It was amazing. He seemed to be able to stare at my eyes and smile forever.
Nothing phased him.
Walking out the door, I resisted the urge to let my head fall back and throw my hands up in the air in complete failure. Instead, I calmed myself down, going over all of the possibile meanings of the word cute in my head.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Balancing.
Hi World.
Something about today was just so off-centered.
Today was a weird.
It was bittersweet, but I can't put my finger on the paticular reason as to WHY today was bittersweet.
Maybe it was a combination of things.
I think I unintentionally tend to hold things in and bottle them up until the very last minute...
& then I'll explode over something completely ridiculous, like losing a pack of gum.
But this isn't one of those times.
I haven't been repressing anything lately.
Today was rather fuzzy, actually....if that makes sense.
There is so much to be happy for & I'm completely aware of that..
but I just can't embrace it.
I can barely grasp the concept, actually.
I feel fragile today..
It's like if someone were to touch me, even in the most gentil way, I'd probably fall over.
There was defenitely something....not necessarily WRONG, just off, today.
I can't describe it.
I'm not balanced.
It's like the scales have been tipped in a direction that I'm not yet familiar with.
Is it too much to ask for a simple explanation for what I'm feeling?
Or better yet, is it too much to ask WHAT exactly I am feeling?
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Burns.
Hello World.(:
How are you doing today?
So, we won the our soccer game yesterday.
Keppel Vs. Gladstone. GO LADY AZTECS! <3
p.s.- i love my BEST friend!
grawr its amy (7:29:18 PM): i like your icon
grawr its amy (7:29:24 PM): (:
grawr its amy (7:29:35 PM): i can't change mine. ):
LALALALAvivian (7:30:10 PM): LOL.<3
LALALALAvivian (7:30:21 PM): I like how you can't change it.
LALALALAvivian (7:30:22 PM): :P
grawr its amy (7:31:34 PM): i CAN'T !
grawr its amy (7:31:36 PM): ahhaha
grawr its amy (7:31:40 PM): jerk.,
LALALALAvivian (7:31:48 PM): Ugly.
LALALALAvivian (7:31:52 PM): BURNBURNBURN.
grawr its amy (7:31:58 PM): ew.
grawr its amy (7:32:03 PM): that's not a burn !!
LALALALAvivian (7:32:07 PM): SO is !
grawr its amy (7:32:15 PM): that was like a fucking pinch compared to a burn !
grawr its amy (7:32:16 PM): LOL
grawr its amy (7:32:23 PM): that was so lame !
grawr its amy (7:32:26 PM): LOLLOLOLOL
grawr its amy (7:32:52 PM): UGLAY !
grawr its amy (7:32:57 PM): now, that's a burn.
LALALALAvivian (7:32:58 PM): LOL.
grawr its amy (7:33:04 PM): hahah.
LALALALAvivian (7:33:06 PM): That's like a poke compared to a burn !
LALALALAvivian (7:33:09 PM): GOD, Amy.
LALALALAvivian (7:33:18 PM): Or GOD KAREN, You are SO stupid !
grawr its amy (7:33:23 PM): well, yours was like a HUG compared to a burn !
grawr its amy (7:33:27 PM): OOH, burn !
grawr its amy (7:33:29 PM): LOL
grawr its amy (7:33:38 PM): that was a burn ABOUT a burn !!!!
LALALALAvivian (7:33:39 PM): LOL.
grawr its amy (7:33:41 PM): (:
grawr its amy (7:33:51 PM): that's 2nd degree, homegirl.
How are you doing today?
So, we won the our soccer game yesterday.
Keppel Vs. Gladstone. GO LADY AZTECS! <3
p.s.- i love my BEST friend!
grawr its amy (7:29:18 PM): i like your icon
grawr its amy (7:29:24 PM): (:
grawr its amy (7:29:35 PM): i can't change mine. ):
LALALALAvivian (7:30:10 PM): LOL.<3
LALALALAvivian (7:30:21 PM): I like how you can't change it.
LALALALAvivian (7:30:22 PM): :P
grawr its amy (7:31:34 PM): i CAN'T !
grawr its amy (7:31:36 PM): ahhaha
grawr its amy (7:31:40 PM): jerk.,
LALALALAvivian (7:31:48 PM): Ugly.
LALALALAvivian (7:31:52 PM): BURNBURNBURN.
grawr its amy (7:31:58 PM): ew.
grawr its amy (7:32:03 PM): that's not a burn !!
LALALALAvivian (7:32:07 PM): SO is !
grawr its amy (7:32:15 PM): that was like a fucking pinch compared to a burn !
grawr its amy (7:32:16 PM): LOL
grawr its amy (7:32:23 PM): that was so lame !
grawr its amy (7:32:26 PM): LOLLOLOLOL
grawr its amy (7:32:52 PM): UGLAY !
grawr its amy (7:32:57 PM): now, that's a burn.
LALALALAvivian (7:32:58 PM): LOL.
grawr its amy (7:33:04 PM): hahah.
LALALALAvivian (7:33:06 PM): That's like a poke compared to a burn !
LALALALAvivian (7:33:09 PM): GOD, Amy.
LALALALAvivian (7:33:18 PM): Or GOD KAREN, You are SO stupid !
grawr its amy (7:33:23 PM): well, yours was like a HUG compared to a burn !
grawr its amy (7:33:27 PM): OOH, burn !
grawr its amy (7:33:29 PM): LOL
grawr its amy (7:33:38 PM): that was a burn ABOUT a burn !!!!
LALALALAvivian (7:33:39 PM): LOL.
grawr its amy (7:33:41 PM): (:
grawr its amy (7:33:51 PM): that's 2nd degree, homegirl.
Peace out,
Amy G. <3
Monday, January 5, 2009
My alarm clock went off at 6:00 a.m. this morning..
& I told it to shut up.
Don't ask me why.... I was half asleep.
Then I woke up and laughed at the fact that I was just talking to an alarm clock.
I do silly things when I'm half alseep. ....or was I half AWAKE ?
hmm.... that's something to think about. Lol.
So, my day totally turned around from there.
Alarm clocks are not my friend... but the rest of my day was pretty GREAT.(:
Let's go down the list, shall we?
1st period: Cool. It was a total reunion. I missed all my friends durning break.
2nd period: Snoozefest ! ): But I read Eclipse & texted my best friend to save me from boredom.
3rd period: Anatalia was an absent loser ! but it was still a pretty chill class.
4th period: Ms. Sinisi makes me gag sometimes.. but I deal with it.
5th period: Ohhmygod ! Mr. Lai makes me want to cry. but I have cisco to keep me busy. (:
6th period: Espanol era muy divertido. It always is. (: ...but today especially.
Soccer practice: Fun as hell ! I <3 my team. & of course, I <3 the game, so what's NOT to love ?!
AND to top it all off, his AMAZING smile has been stuck in my head all day. <3<3<3>
Today was simply a great start to a GREAT new year. (;
& I told it to shut up.
Don't ask me why.... I was half asleep.
Then I woke up and laughed at the fact that I was just talking to an alarm clock.
I do silly things when I'm half alseep. ....or was I half AWAKE ?
hmm.... that's something to think about. Lol.
So, my day totally turned around from there.
Alarm clocks are not my friend... but the rest of my day was pretty GREAT.(:
Let's go down the list, shall we?
1st period: Cool. It was a total reunion. I missed all my friends durning break.
2nd period: Snoozefest ! ): But I read Eclipse & texted my best friend to save me from boredom.
3rd period: Anatalia was an absent loser ! but it was still a pretty chill class.
4th period: Ms. Sinisi makes me gag sometimes.. but I deal with it.
5th period: Ohhmygod ! Mr. Lai makes me want to cry. but I have cisco to keep me busy. (:
6th period: Espanol era muy divertido. It always is. (: ...but today especially.
Soccer practice: Fun as hell ! I <3 my team. & of course, I <3 the game, so what's NOT to love ?!
AND to top it all off, his AMAZING smile has been stuck in my head all day. <3<3<3>
Today was simply a great start to a GREAT new year. (;
- Amy L. Gonzales. <3
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Reflection.
As the years collide, I might as well stop and reflect a bit.
YOUR SONG FOR 2008?
- I'm Yours by Jason Mraz.
LIFETIME SERVICE AWARD (longest friend)
- Well, I would say Vivian Chow, but she only gets a certificate. HAHAHA. (:
NEWCOMER AWARD - COOLEST NEWEST FRIEND?
-Anatalia & Sally. (my sexayy third period buddies!)
HIGH POINT OF THE YEAR?
-LDC '08 for sure. <3
LOW POINT OF THE YEAR?
-March 6, 2008. No doubt about it.
MOVIE FOR 2008?
-Pineapple Express.
WHO DID YOU SPEND VALENTINES WITH?
-My Best friend. [It's Vivian's Birthday Day, NOT Valentine's day. Just so you know.]
WHAT WERE YOU FOR HALLOWEEN?
-A Ballerina.
RESTAURANT OF THE YEAR?
-I'm not a food critic. gosh.
BIGGEST douchebag AWARD?
-& the winner is..... (drumroll, please) KIKO !
Sorry Robert, you're only the runner up... maybe next year?
WHAT ARE YOUR PLANS FOR NEXT YEAR?
-To be great.
TV SHOW OF THE YEAR?
-So You Think You Can Dance. [I guess I'm a little Biased, sorry. hahha]
MOST LOYAL FRIEND?
-Vivian...(She gets a certificate of recognition.) Haha.
BIGGEST CHANGE OF THE YEAR?
-The change that I've made in myself... or have at least tried too.
NEW YEAR RESOLUTION?
-To be great.(:
YOUR SONG FOR 2008?
- I'm Yours by Jason Mraz.
LIFETIME SERVICE AWARD (longest friend)
- Well, I would say Vivian Chow, but she only gets a certificate. HAHAHA. (:
NEWCOMER AWARD - COOLEST NEWEST FRIEND?
-Anatalia & Sally. (my sexayy third period buddies!)
HIGH POINT OF THE YEAR?
-LDC '08 for sure. <3
LOW POINT OF THE YEAR?
-March 6, 2008. No doubt about it.
MOVIE FOR 2008?
-Pineapple Express.
WHO DID YOU SPEND VALENTINES WITH?
-My Best friend. [It's Vivian's Birthday Day, NOT Valentine's day. Just so you know.]
WHAT WERE YOU FOR HALLOWEEN?
-A Ballerina.
RESTAURANT OF THE YEAR?
-I'm not a food critic. gosh.
BIGGEST douchebag AWARD?
-& the winner is..... (drumroll, please) KIKO !
Sorry Robert, you're only the runner up... maybe next year?
WHAT ARE YOUR PLANS FOR NEXT YEAR?
-To be great.
TV SHOW OF THE YEAR?
-So You Think You Can Dance. [I guess I'm a little Biased, sorry. hahha]
MOST LOYAL FRIEND?
-Vivian...(She gets a certificate of recognition.) Haha.
BIGGEST CHANGE OF THE YEAR?
-The change that I've made in myself... or have at least tried too.
NEW YEAR RESOLUTION?
-To be great.(:
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Clean Slate.
Hello 2009! I'm so glad your finally here. (:
I'd really like to say that I'm going to miss 2008..
but that would be a lie.
Not that 2008 didn't have it's good times, because it defenitely did...
but along with those good times, there were also some bad times..
moments of weakness.
So, I'm ready for a clean slate.
New Year's Resolutions?
Mine are under construction.
I'd really like to say that I'm going to miss 2008..
but that would be a lie.
Not that 2008 didn't have it's good times, because it defenitely did...
but along with those good times, there were also some bad times..
moments of weakness.
So, I'm ready for a clean slate.
New Year's Resolutions?
Mine are under construction.
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